Maybe there was a big fight and you broke up. Maybe the break up happened slowly over time as the two of you drifted apart. In either case, you are miserable and can’t stop thinking about him. Here’s how to get your ex boyfriend back in a few short moves.

It almost never fails, when you miss someone and you want them back, men and women alike tend to do the very things that push the other person further away. You can’t help yourself. You probably don’t even act like yourself anymore. You may have lost interest in the things you used to enjoy, it is harder to see your future without the guy you love in the picture, and you find yourself becoming depressed and lonely.

In a headlong rush to turn things around, many people going through a break up start making rapid and irrational attempts to get in touch with their ex. Phone calls at all hours, text messages that are really an effort to see if the ex will respond, promises to change, apologies that go overboard, and a cycling mess that has you looking way too clingy.

You need a better plan.

Here’s how to get your ex boyfriend back:

Stop the crazy efforts to check up on him, find him, follow him, or talk to him. Those kinds of moves can only play out like a bad movie.

Heal yourself first. Remember that a breakup does not have to be the end of a relationship. It could just be the time apart that lets you put everything into perspective. Focus on your health and doing the things you enjoy. Find a supportive group of friends who can help you get back into the habit of having fun.

Let him know you are okay with the break up. As crazy as it sounds, this strategy really works if done correctly. Write a note to your ex that says you are okay with the breakup and that it was probably for the best. Mention that there are no hard feelings and that you would like to consider him a friend. (Guys hate being considered “just a friend” – there’s a little mental trick to this tactic.) Your note cannot sound fake or forced and should not include sad, melancholy comments about how much you miss him.

Gear up for the next encounter. Your note is likely to trigger some sort of response from your ex. Maybe a peace offering of a friendly lunch or dinner so the two of you can catch up. Be prepared to act very cool about the whole thing.

Knowing how to get your ex boyfriend back takes a little bit of knowledge about how people feel, behave and respond in various situations. Take some time to figure out how your ex might respond the next time you talk and plan your next moves accordingly.

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