By Leslie Cane-Text Your Wife Into Bed REVIEW

I get a lot of emails from folks who describe a “loveless marriage” and ask for ways to stay in or cope with it. I find that people have different definitions and perceptions of this type of marriage and of what it lacks. By “loveless” some people actually mean “sexless,” but others mean that this type of marriage lacks intimacy and closeness. There may well be intercourse or sex, but the emotional closeness that typically exists between married couples is just not there for whatever reason on the part of at least one of the parties. Typically, one or both are just “going through the motions” without much emotion behind it.

Sometimes people chose to stay in a loveless marriage because they have children and they don’t want to put the children through a divorce. Other times, financial burdens or limitations keep you from breaking away. Still other times, you are firm in your commitment to your marriage. You believe that marriage is forever and you, quite admirably, don’t want to take the easy way out. There are ways to cope with these types of marriages, and I’ll offer some tips toward that end. But, I also firmly believe that you don’t have to live this way. You can turn a marriage without love completely around with a little bit of effort, openness, and patience. I’ll discuss this more in the following article.

Don’t Define Your Marriage Based On Others’ Expectations: First off, I hate the phrase “loveless marriage.” Because this almost implies that there never was any love between the spouses or that there never will be. This is very limiting and this perception doesn’t do anything to help your cause. It’s far more favorable to accept that your marriage is going through a rough patch right now which is manifesting itself as a lack of intimacy. But, that doesn’t mean that you can’t manufacture or reignite these feelings. Don’t allow yourself to make these types of assumptions because if you do, this becomes your road map and this is a very faulty one that won’t lead you anywhere that you really want to go.

Also, don’t worry so much about what others think or expect. Your marriage isn’t really anyone’s business but your own, but the media would have us think that if we aren’t all over each other all of the time, there is something wrong with us. With that said, most married couples do have a bond and a commitment that binds them which is based on shared feelings of intimacy, closeness, and understanding. If you lack any of these components, this doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with your or that you can’t get them back. It just means that you have some work to do. Vow to close out the outside world and not to worry about other’s expectations of what should make you happy in your marriage. Only you and your spouse can decide that. Don’t let others make you feel that you are lacking or that you should do something else to please anyone but yourself. Define what you and your spouse need to be happy and to feel connected and concentrate only on that.

Why You (And Your Family) Deserve So Much More Than A Loveless Marriage: Many people stay in this type of marriage because they think that it’s the best thing for the kids or because they “don’t want to hurt anyone.” But, if you think that your children or your spouse don’t catch onto the fact that something is lacking, you’re probably mistaken. Children are very perceptive, and parents who aren’t affectionate or closely bonded are modeling the type of marriage that your children may well grow up and have. Counselors are very fond of saying that the greatest gift that you can give your child (and to yourself) are two parents who are happy and who love each other. This sounds cliche, but I believe it to be completely accurate.

You and your spouse are modeling how to live, interact, and connect for your children. They will grow up and know no other way than what you are showing them. They may well sense or even witness that your household isn’t like others, but it’s more likely than not that they’ll live (at least on some levels) similarly to you. At the very least, they will have been affected by growing up in a home that lacks laughter and love.

I’m not telling you this to make you feel guilty or to insinuate that you aren’t doing the best that you can for your children. I’m telling you this hoping that you can see that although your intentions are very honorable and unselfish, they may not be as healthy for your children as you had hoped.

Turning Around A Loveless Marriage: If you’ve found this article, it’s highly likely that you and your spouse have gotten into the habit of going through the motions and forgoing intimacy. This is a habit that can be broken, just like any other. But, one of you must make the first move. Since you care enough to research this topic, let that person be you. You may feel quite vulnerable and hesitant to be the one to initiate this, but it’s better than just hoping that things will get better without being proactive.

You really have two options here. You can be honest with your spouse, sit them down, and explain that you are troubled by the lack of intimacy in your marriage and want to work with them to change things. Try to make this sound like something that is going to be mutually beneficial and fun, not something that is going to require a lot of “work.” You’re really trying to get to a place where the two of you can have fun and be upbeat together so try to keep the conversation on this same keel.

The other option that you have is to just begin by changing your own actions. Maybe you don’t want to lay your cards on the table yet, but you’d like to start to making some changes with what you can control – yourself. So, you’ll be the one to start initiating more intimate gestures. Start small at first. Shoot for loving glances, spontaneous laughter, or the brush of a hand or shoulder. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself and move slowly. But, over time, your goal is to slowly improve things so that physical touch and emotional closeness don’t feel so foreign and awkward.

Finding Your Own Happiness: While your making these small changes in your marriage, it’s important to look at yourself and your own fulfillment and happiness. In short, you can’t give what you do not have. You can not be lighthearted and playful with your partner if you’re depressed or not fulfilled within your own heart. I often find that if people focus on what makes them happy as an individual (without judging if this is right or wrong), then becoming happy as a couple falls into place more easily. You’re more open to receiving pleasure and give and take because you’ve learned to take responsibility for and to participate in your own happiness. In other words, you don’t need for your spouse to provide this for you, but you want them to share this with you and you set it up to make this so.

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No one can really prepare you for moving to another country. Even if the opportunities are outstanding, it is never easy to leave your own. Eastern European ladies who are to come to the United States on a k1 visa usually become very worried and sometimes even depressed when they are preparing to leave. They don’t know what to bring, what not to carry; they don’t know what to expect and what not to expect from your country or even from you. They are usually unfamiliar with the culture and often uncomfortable with the language. This is common for a woman entering the USA on a k1 fiance visa

An acquaintance who was coming to the United States on a K1 Fiance Visa asked her American husband-to be what she should bring with her, but the guy had no clue.

Regrettably, she didn’t know me or any other Russian women living in the U.S. back then, so she ended up bringing four suitcases full of completely unnecessary things which they ended up taking to goodwill.

The girl’s mother, an old-fashioned Soviet woman, said that since the guy was a bachelor for so long, he probably doesn’t have any pans or pots, so she convinced her daughter to take a heavy aluminum set of pot and pans. Imagine that! Unfortunately the immigration services is not good at this kind of help nor is immigration services good at referring couples to this kind of help.

Here are some pointers to avoid such situations as well as to reduce your bride’s stress and anxiety when she is arranging to come to the U.S.

1. Tell her not to bring pots and pans (just in case she has similar mother who is going to advise her doing so). Even if the only cooking appliance in your house is a microwave, don’t go crazy buying stuff because she will most likely know much better what to buy. Unless you are a chef, of course, but then you should have plenty of things to cook with.

2. Ask her to bring some pictures of her town, her dwelling, her apartment, her friends, her family as well as her childhood pictures. Out of all of my friends who came to the U.S. only one thought about bringing photographs (I didn’t either). You are so busy and so worried about documents, your trip and your future that you don’t think of these things. But then when you come here and your homesickness and depression kick in, you curse yourself for not bringing something so important. When you ask her to carry these photos, please don’t tell her that you are doing it to help reduce her future sadness. I hope I don’t have to explain why.

3. Tell her that she is not saying farewell to all her friends and family. Planes still fly across the sea, so she will be able to go back and visit her family and friends. This is a very important thing to remember, because it is much easier to say Goodbye knowing that this is not the last time you are seeing these people. Many women are shy to ask their fiancees whether or not they will be able to travel (and how often) and many guys simply don’t think about it.

4. As far as clothing goes, she really shouldn’t take her entire closet, because it will be cheaper to buy stuff here than to pay for extra luggage. Remember that Russian ladies like to dress up nicely, so if you are arranging to take her shopping, don’t take her to Wal-Mart. Take her to the outlets instead – Russian and Eastern European ladies love them. Just don’t forget to pay.

5. Don’t forget to tell her not to take any electrical appliances, because the voltage in the US is different and so are the electrical outlets. You can buy adapters, but they don’t always work well and it is too much of a pain.

To sum up, tell your bride-to-be to relax and not to stress out. She is not coming to an unpopulated island, but to a civilized country, where she can buy what she needs, where she can use a telephone to call her family and use the Internet to send them hundreds of photographs. She may know all this already, but it will make her feel so much better if you will reassure her of this.

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Because of the pressure that military families face, the Pentagon just released rising statistics of divorces in the armed forces. There were approximately 3.6 percent in 2009 instead of 3.4 percent the year before. While divorces are growing, it was a minimal jump.

It’s unfortunate but simple to understand why many military couples turn to divorce. Especially with the war, many members of the armed forces have been deployed multiple times. The stress and time away from one’s spouse can twist everyday problems into key aspects in divorce.

Another problem many couples face is that after being in the war many spouses change and the couple can’t get past the changes. After war, many military personnel are injured physically, mentally or both.

In order to fight the rise in divorces the military has implemented programs to try and help couples work out their problems. The military remarked rises in divorce were low because the programs helped service members and their spouses settle problems and build up their relationship.

In 2001 only about 2.6 percent filed for divorce but now it’s 3.6 percent which displays the toll that the war has taken on military families. When couples are divided it’s easy for the problems to get larger and the drift to expand.

Both in the past and present divorces have been much greater for women in uniform over their male counterparts. In 2009, 7.7 percent of servicewomen went through a divorce in comparison to 3 percent of men. There are fewer women in the military and some of their husbands are not prepared for military life.

But as with all marriages there are “controllable and uncontrollable factors…but when you interject war, preparing for war, being at war, coming home and having to think about going back to war again…it has a tremendous impact on the family unit” remarked Joe Davis spokesman for Veterans of Foreign Wars.

Critics say the divorce rate is much greater than the Pentagon disclosed. One member of the service recalled that every time they were deployed a new batch of divorces would occur. Many think that the numbers are truly closer to double digits.

What could explain the difference in numbers is the fact that the data doesn’t count up actual divorces. Instead they take the number of married troops at the start of the year and the number at the conclusion of the year and take away the difference. But this doesn’t always calculate the same people because of recruits, retirees, and others that leave the forces. In addition the numbers don’t take into account the troubled marriages that are presently intact.

Military life can be extremely hard. Sadly the divorce rates are rising because of the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars but the military has implemented programs to try and help couples resolve their problems but divorce rates are still growing.

About the Author

Diane Johnson earned a bachelor’s degree in Political Science from the University of Utah. She likes to write about the news, politics, college degrees, college online, and the college experience.

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In order to restore a relationship after your spouse has had an affair you may try the ploy:

“But I’ve changed, I’m a different person.”

And your behavior may have actually changed – some of the time.
You mistakenly may continue to accommodate in different ways or change your behavior to fit your perception of what he/she wants.

Here are some problems with this strategy:

You, most likely, have not changed at all but, rather, are in a
reactive mode by responding to your difficult situation by “grabbing at straws.” There is nothing really wrong with this. However, these changes usually lack staying power because they are born out of
reactivity.

You and your spouse both know it. Chances are that you will regress to your usual patterns as soon as the heat’s off; your spouse intuitively knows this. He/she, most likely, thinks: “This will never last;” then becomes very suspicious.

Also, your changes may be seen by your spouse as your attempt to manipulate him/her. He/she may perceive your changes as a Sneaky strategy to get him/her to re-commit.

Your spouse may start feeling “cornered” and will most likely resent them, even though they are what he/she has been demanding throughout your marriage. Then even more alienation may emerge.

In this scenario you will lose respect and your spouse will not believe you or even know what to believe ABOUT you. By this time, s/he is very confused about what s/he wants and by trying on altered behaviors, you only add to that confused feeling. You become CONFUSING.

People don’t want others trying to placate them. And if that is not true of your spouse as well, you may have to re-evaluate his/her fitness to be a mate.

Generally, spouses don’t respect the placation strategy because there doesn’t appear to be any “backbone.” There doesn’t appear to be any core self.

That is not very attractive.

The spouse often says something like: If you really can change so
easily now, why didn’t you change when I wanted you to years ago?

I’m afraid it’s too late now.

Sadness or resentment often emerges at this point when s/he encounters
your new behavior, thinking about what might have been, but
is no longer “possible.” Also, spouses having affairs often blame them on the betrayed spouse and/or bad marriage … don’t buy into it. Where circumstances and others can influence what we do, they don’t control it. Both spouses must take responsibility for their own behavior, right or wrong!

The best approach is to calmly re-commit yourselves to staying married within a framework of both of you assuming a fair share of your own responsibility for the problems and the solution. If that cannot be done independently it should be done through marriage counseling.
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Every marriage has problems. Let me say that again: every marriage, no matter how perfect if seems on the outside, has problems. I want to emphasize this because many couples want you to think they’ve never had any types of issues with their marriage. And a lot of those same people want to criticize you for how you are handling your marriage. It’s my experience that the people who criticize the most are the ones with the biggest problems. They simply aren’t honest enough to admit it.

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One of the first steps in repairing a broken marriage is tolisten to your spouse. Many problems start because both people want to talk but neither wants to listen. Sometimes having a partner who listens is all that it takes to make the other person feel wanted and special. So no matter how badly you want to butt in while your partner is speaking, hold your tongue and wait your turn. You’ll be amazed to see how this simple technique can work wonders.

Another step in fixing a marriage is to forget the past. Things happen in marriages; people make mistakes. Some mistakes are bigger than others but we’re all human and we all deserve forgiveness. Now this doesn’t mean you forgive no matter how many times you’re hurt. If a person is continually hurting you emotionally, maybe they don’t deserve to be in a relationship with you. But if you truly trust your partner and you know that deep down they are a good person, forgetting past mistakes can help you move forward. But do not tell your partner that you forgive him or her and then keep bringing it up over and over again after the fact. Either you forgive or you don’t. There is no in between.

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Getting over him was tough. But thanks to your friends and to your new found hobbies and distractions, you did get over your boyfriend, or rather ex-boyfriend. But then, for some reasons, you keep seeing him in unexpected places, your friends tell you they saw him here and there. And then you start thinking about him. You thought that probably, he wants you back but you are not sure. You’ve been hurt before and you definitely do not want to get hurt again. Does he want you back? How would you know?

It is quite easy to know if he wants you back. There are 4 signs that he wants you back. Take notice of these signs and then when he gets back into view, you’ll know he’s for real and he wants you back in his life.

1. He calls you and sends you text messages very often

Calling and sending text messages is one way your ex is trying to tell you that he still thinks about you. There is no other reason why he is calling you or sending those messages except that he has not yet gotten over you. Even if some of the messages seem to be nonsensical like the weather, how his day has been or the movie he knew you’d like, the point is that he simply wants to let you know that he still thinks about you.

2. He seems uncomfortable and awkward when talking with you

He may be harboring some feelings for you at this stage. He may be displaying some uneasiness when talking with you or refuses to look you in the eye. These are sure signs that he still has deep love for you and that he is unable to let go.

3. He has not started dating yet

Perhaps it has been 6 months or one year since you broke up and he has not yet to find a new girl. This is also the case with you. The problem is, he has trouble getting into a new relationship and your friends keep telling you that he woos and pursues girl who are similar to you in characteristics and traits. In this case, he still wishes to get back with you.

4. He frequently visits your old romantic spots

You may have avoided the places you used to go as lovers because it reminds you of good old memories. Yet, if you pass by some of your old hangout places and you find him there by himself then he is simply reminiscing about you.

When you see these 4 signs that he wants you back, ask yourself if you still have feelings for him? And if you do, why don’t you get back together again? You both be happier if you do!

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