Monday, 5. October 2009 9:58
The first thing you should know is… a man’s “Commitment Tempo” (when he’ll want to take things to the next level with you) has NOTHING to do with how long you’ve been together.
Have you consistently ended up with men who didn’t see or bring out the best in you? Then take a deep breath – because you deserve a man who sees you and can love and nurture you the way you would him.
But what if you’ve found yourself with a series of men who have been in some way negative, abusive, critical or controlling, or in some way seriously LACKING the kind of “relationship skills” that are necessary for a fulfilling relationship?
If so, it’s possible that your own past, your thoughts and feelings are actually ATTRACTING the wrong men, and that you end up becoming ATTACHED and staying in these kinds of relationships for all the wrong reasons.
Your first step, if you’re truly ready to put an end to this cycle, is this: Starting saying “No!” and radically reject these kinds of hurtful behaviors from any man. Yes – there are creeps out there.
It’s your job, and yours only, to say “No!” and remove any man from your life who isn’t showing you he’s worthy of your love and attention. But when you keep going on with hurtful relationships… and you go through one disastrous relationship after another… the worst starts to happen for you.
It starts to try and turn you into someone who acts fearful, protective and defensive around any man you meet. Things will only get worse for you if you let the bad relationships from your past get into the driver’s seat when you finally meet a guy you could have a healthy relationship with.
So, do you seem to unknowingly attract “unavailable” men?
In this email I’m going to teach you why a man will act afraid of a real relationship… And how lots of women both CHOOSE the wrong men… and bring out the “bad qualities” in the right men and ruin things for themselves.
**Quick Tip: Just because you’ve been happily dating a man for several weeks, months or even years… it doesn’t automatically mean he is thinking or feeling “commitment”, or seeking a deeper lasting expression of his LOVE.**
If you’re like most women, then by experience you already know this to be true. And it scares you. You can spend time with a man, get close, become intimate and bond… and he can still NOT WANT to enter into a Relationship with you.
So why are so many men “unavailable”? The short answer is because men have a different RELATIONSHIP TIMELINE for wanting to get “serious” with a woman… and a different way of seeing how love and an exclusive committed relationship comes together.
But what can you do with this? The first thing you should know is… a man’s “Commitment Tempo” (when he’ll want to take things to the next level with you) has NOTHING to do with how long you’ve been together.
Don’t get yourself hung up on this like lots of other women who try and “convince” a man it’s time because however many months have already passed and he SHOULD BE ready. Talking this way to a man is a great way to shoot yourself in the foot and encourage him to pull away.
What matters, and what works, is addressing where you both are in terms of your EMOTIONAL CONNECTION… instead of worrying and talking about TIME.
If you’ve ever been with a man and shared something amazing for several months and grown closer and closer, but then he RESISTED and WITHDREW once you actually talked about how things were moving forward between you… then you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Here’s the secret:
A man doesn’t commit to a woman in a conversation, or even with his words. It’s something he just FEELS inside and wants for himself. Do you know what creates this DESIRE and FEELING inside a man?
Now let’s get down to what’s really going on inside your heart when it comes to men and relationships. Here’s what I want to know first:
Why is it so clear and easy for other women to fall in love with a man, and for a relationship to effortlessly come together and grow … While YOU keep attracting all the men out there who are “unavailable” and SEEM great at first, but eventually get scared and just can’t go “deeper” with you?
Is this “unavailable” thing really a problem so many men are carrying around that gets in the way of love? Or … Could it also be that YOU play a part in finding men who are “unavailable”?… And that you bring about that unavailable RESPONSE which is already lying there dormant inside even the most “evolved” men?
I want to share with you what could be a new and enlightening perspective on all this… There’s an important realization all SMART and LOVING women I know end up coming to at some point in their love lives.
It’s a “light bulb” that suddenly just turns on… and when it does you instantly grow and see things with a new sense of CLARITY. Unfortunately, most women only come to this important realization AFTER they’ve been through the pain and frustration of doing everything they can think of to “revive” their relationship and failing.
I’ll tell you what this REALIZATION is:
It’s that when you’re with a man who is feeling or acting UNCERTAIN with you… even if you could give him an “ultimatum” that would move things ahead to the place in your relationship that YOU WANT…
A man who moves ahead in his relationship with you because you asked him or demanded it, isn’t very vested in the relationship. This kind of situation is a very “weak” and dangerous place from which to enter into a loving relationship.
Especially for you as a woman who likely wants a man who is truly COMMITTED to being with you on a physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual level…. Knowing this, let me ask you…
**Do men truly COMMIT and choose to love and become loyal, caring, affectionate, etc. just because a woman ASKS THEM?… Or does a man need to have HIS OWN REASONS for being and feeling this way?
It’s a VERY IMPORTANT question.
If you’ve had one or more relationships where you were ready for “more”… but the man you were with was seeming to drag his heels, or just not care about your relationship… and you tried to make it work but it only seemed to BACKFIRE- then this question could be one of the most important questions you ever ask yourself.
Seriously…. So as a bit of homework, I want you to stop for a second and THINK ABOUT IT…
Do men truly COMMIT and choose to love and become truly loyal, caring, and affectionate just because a woman ASKS IT OF THEM? Or…
Does a man need to have HIS OWN REASONS for truly feeling and being this way with you, if it’s going to LAST?
WHERE TO START LEARNING ABOUT WHAT MAKES HIM WANT TO COMMIT WITH YOU
Let me be unusually direct with you, for your own good:
Have you finally figured out that if you don’t know HOW TO GET A MAN TO OPEN UP and talk and share his deeper thoughts and feelings with you… that it’s going to be impossible to make your relationship work?
Lots of women think they get how this works because they talk a lot about what’s on THEIR MIND.
For most women, this is common Communication Mistake #1 in their relationship:
Sharing YOUR FEELINGS first, and often, because you believe this will somehow get him to share his feelings in return.
This is not a great way to get a man to “open up” to you and get in touch with his feelings. This is not his “emotional process.”… Especially with a man you’re in a relationship with who is already acting “withdrawn” and has shut off his feelings from you.
This kind of MORE IS BETTER approach about talking and sharing YOUR FEELINGS actually WORKS AGAINST YOU more than it helps you with men who are acting uncertain and withdrawn.
Here’s the deal… If you know anything about a man, then you should know that to get to know HIS FEELINGS, then more talk about YOUR FEELINGS is NOT the answer.
Which leads me to common Communication Mistake #2:
Out of all the things that can go wrong in a relationship, I’ve found one that causes women more pain, frustration, and leads to BAD OUTCOMES with the man in their life than anything else…
It’s the SAME ISSUE that keeps popping up at the beginning of their romantic relationships:
EXPECTATIONS.
It’s when a woman expects that the relationship will progress to something more committed, but ends up feeling disappointed when she finds out the man doesn’t want the same thing.
This problem usually plays itself out in one of two ways.
I’m sure you’ll identify with one (if not both) of these:
SCENARIO #1: You know exactly what you want out of the relationship, but rather than “rock the boat” by having a conversation in which you make your expectations clear, you decide to WAIT IT OUT in hopes that the man will soon feel the same way and that everything will just “work itself out.”
SCENARIO #2: You know exactly what you want out of the relationship but as soon as you get the sense that the guy doesn’t share your desires or isn’t “on the same page” emotionally, you subtly and unconsciously decide to PRETEND that you’re cool with things just being casual, even though you know you need a lot MORE to be happy and content.
Predictably, when you find yourself in either of these two scenarios, it becomes a slippery slope toward ultimate relationship disaster…. Here’s how this plays out:
* First – you start feeling unfulfilled, anxious or worried that you’re not getting what you want and need from the relationship.
* Second – you don’t know how to say what you’re feeling and what you want in a mature, honest way, so you say nothing at all or you drop “hints” that are misunderstood or ignored.
* Third – he doesn’t change anything about the way he’s treating you or the relationship, and you become frustrated or disappointed because he doesn’t really “get” what’s missing and what you want from him
* Fourth – your frustration builds up even more and either brings you to an emotionally destructive CONFRONTATION with him that FREAKS him out (like an ultimatum)… or all the silent tension and negative feelings between you make him act distant, disconnected and maybe he even starts losing interest in you.
Remember going down this road?
Not fun … I’ve been there myself….
So what’s going on here? And what can you do about it?
“CENTER” YOURSELF FIRST… AND GET CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT
What you need to do FIRST, before you do anything else, is get CLEAR about what you want and expect from your love life… You need to be honest with YOURSELF first, before you can be honest with anyone else in your life.
Stop PRETENDING you only want a “casual” fun fling when what you REALLY want is to have a committed, serious relationship that’s “going somewhere.”
Here’s the thing: Getting clear about what you want will help guide your mind in all kinds of POSITIVE DIRECTIONS to help you find and attract the right situations and people in your life.
But, unfortunately, being CLEAR and HONEST is not that simple for most women when “the rubber meets the road” in dating and relationships.
The reality is, knowing what they want and expect can turn into a source of EXTREME frustration and anxiety for a lot of women.
Why is that? I’ll explain…
Expectations can definitely set us off in good directions in our lives… but when we don’t feel like we have the CONTROL over how to get those expectations met, the “wheels really start to come off the car,” so to speak.
A woman may “feel” like the man she’s been dating is “The One” and she can see things getting much more committed and serious, but she also senses she doesn’t have the right tools or skills to know how to COMMUNICATE those desires to the man in a positive way.
Simply put, the woman is AFRAID that approaching the guy with a heavy “talk” will either scare him away. Or… She herself doesn’t know what “taking it to the next level” really means to HIM, why he would want this, and how to go about talking about it in a way that builds trust and makes him want to open up and share.
So she avoids telling the man what she’s really thinking and feeling about their relationship. Instead, she starts to accept or downplay the little disappointments she feels…. Until one day she finally wakes up and realizes that she doesn’t have the kind of relationship she THOUGHT she would have with this man, and she’s just not happy with herself or the situation.
And sometimes this “awakening” doesn’t even happen until after the man cheats or leaves. Let’s just simplify things and boil it down to that one thing that is the cause of all the trouble and confusion:
FEAR.
The unfortunate truth is that some women don’t want to dig deeper into what a man truly wants because of their own fears…. They’re AFRAID of finding out the truth about what a man truly feels about them, and their future together.
And the most dreaded fear of all… REJECTION and ABANDONMENT.
These two things are SO STRONG AND POWERFUL that something fascinating happens in the woman’s mind when there’s even a small potential for either of these….
Their mind starts a cycle of SELF-DECEPTION. Here’s how it works:
The fear of pain and loss often leads us to ignore our thoughts and intuition and replace our fearful thoughts with happier thoughts that make us feel comfortable.
It’s the mind’s “emotional defense mechanism”… I know you felt this before.
How many times have you been unsure – deep down – about the man you are seeing, but instead of examining those doubts and finding a way for you to deal with your own feelings, you decided to actually BUILD HIM UP to your friends and family as being a wonderful catch because you didn’t want to face some of the problems lurking deep in the back of your mind?
You thought that you’d help things out by telling yourself and having faith in what you wanted to be true.
…And sometimes, in the process of making up these “new truths” you even start to convince YOURSELF that he’s a better guy than he actually is?
Or maybe you’ve been in a situation where you’ve gotten no indication that the man you’re seeing wants any kind of serious relationship, but you choose to believe that you’re building a committed relationship as things slowly and naturally escalate.
Making those assumptions without the basis of direct communication can lead to BIG TROUBLE down the road… Save yourself the wasted energy and the broken heart.
If you’re looking to move past the fear and insecurity you feel with men but don’t want to get in touch with or let anyone know about, then I’d like to help you get in touch and start the “healing” and growth process.
Remember, a man can’t read your mind, or know all that’s in your heart.
And if you’re carrying around pain or fear, it’s surely getting in the way of a man seeing the beautiful and real you underneath that he would want to know and love.
Don’t keep a man from seeing the best of the real you that’s inside. Make it easy for him, and for you. Now, back to working with your own expectations, and being with a man and discovering how he is feeling.
Here’s a question that’s probably already on your mind:
How can you be sure you’re involved with the RIGHT guy, and know how he’s feeling, and if he shares your expectations and desires?… The answer is HONESTY.
HONESTY is one of the most liberating and valuable traits to develop – and it’s even more valuable when you’re dating…. And guess what else?
It FEELS REALLY GOOD to be completely open and honest.
Plus, even when it seems like it would push you and a man apart, it has an amazing way of bringing you closer together and building more love and admiration.
But only if you know how to share your thoughts and honest feelings in a way that SERVES YOU and your relationship.
Not all communication is equal.
You can MEAN something, but depending on how you share it with someone… it can either be received as loving and “good”… or as NEGATIVE and CRITICAL…. How is what you are feeling being RECEIVED?
And how does this relate to the way you choose to COMMUNICATE what you are feeling?
A WAY TO COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS AND DESIRES WITH A MAN THAT HE’LL LOVE AND RESPOND TO
Let me tell you something important that you might have gotten mixed up inside your head as a woman in relationships with men where they wouldn’t listen…
It’s OK to want what you want and to let a man know it…. In fact, it’s a MUST. And it’s OK to tell a man that his behavior doesn’t match with what you want. For example:
If a woman is honest and up front about what she wants and expects from a man, in a way that says that she’s not too attached to the immediate outcome and she subtly lets him know that he better have his act together or else… It can take the usual “teeth pulling” talk into an opportunity for building attraction and a deep source of commitment with a man.
But remember – YOU CAN’T FAKE IT…. You have to be in a place where you truly believe that you’ll find and meet your expectations for love and relationships, with or without the man who’s there in front of you right then…. No matter how much you love him.
That means you have to be in the right frame of mind, and state in your heart, BEFORE you start the conversation with him…
But most women aren’t in the right frame of mind because they’re afraid, and they’ve “tricked” themselves into thinking that their intimate feelings for a man will scare him off.
WRONG.
It’s not honesty that will scare him off, it’s the negative, fearful and anxious “vibe” that you unknowingly give off before you finally EXPLODE because you can no longer hide how you feel from the man you’re with. That’s what scares some men off and makes them clam up.
The amazing thing is that men crave HONEST women who are up front about who they are and what they want in relationships…. The key is to know the RIGHT WAY to communicate these things without going over the top.
Remember, if you communicate with a man in a way that assumes, begs, convinces, or makes him think that you’re “entitled” to a relationship and a commitment with him, he will NEVER, EVER respect you and want to stay for the long-term.
You might get what you want in the short-term if he gives in to your wishes just to avoid a conflict, but trust me, you are headed for MUCH bigger problems in the future…. Or worse, you’ll get what you want NOW, but he’s spent the past months – or YEARS – secretly SEETHING WITH RESENTMENT towards you.
Not good…. GIVE HIM A GOOD REASON TO WANT TO COMMIT TO YOU
You just can’t “talk” a man into wanting to commit to you by listing all the ways your relationship is special. This is something VERY IMPORTANT to remember when it comes to men and relationships.
**You have to give a man the right “REASONS” for him to want to and make HIMSELF committed. **
Becoming deeply committed doesn’t often just happen with the passing of time for a man. He won’t want to commit “just because” it’s been six months or a year (or longer). He won’t commit to you because you explain how you think you’re better than all the women he’s dated or because you have such a great “connection.”
He’s going to commit for his own reasons.
So what are these “reasons”?
They’re very complex if you don’t understand them… but simple at the same time…. A man’s reasons for committing, or not committing, are his FEELINGS and EMOTIONS…. Sounds simple, but it’s profound and true. The “masculine” part of a man has to FEEL like he is naturally and of his own free will CHOOSING to be with a woman…. If this happens, his commitment will usually be strong and lasting.
But if a man commits because a woman has been talking to him and analyzing things to show him how a relationship really makes “sense”, then his commitment won’t be strong… and it probably won’t last.
See the difference?
A man’s motivation for commitment is how a woman makes him FEEL when he’s with her. If you want him to respond and have committed feelings for you, then you need to do more of the things that will make him FEEL the desire, interest and attraction that lead him to want to commit.
In other words, WORDS and conversations are the LEAST powerful and effective tools that a woman has when it comes to love and relationships.
The FEELINGS of ATTRACTION that she can create, sometimes without even speaking, are the MOST POWERFUL.
In “The Secret to the Hearts of MEN” I reveal specific ways to subtly communicate to a man the things that will “trigger” that intense level of attraction inside him. You can literally have a man who wasn’t totally “feeling it” for you suddenly take notice and see and recognize the things inside you he simply didn’t look for or see before.
Now, I was only able to give a few simple tips and insights on how to better connect with a man in a way that will lead you both closer together and help him not only talk, but FEEL committed.
Take the next step to understanding how Commitment works with MEN.
And this is a great first step that you can quickly build on as a man starts to see you as the one woman he wants as his one and only partner. Don’t wait for this all to happen on its own, when you know what you want. Go here now and turn up the dial on the level of ATTRACTION a man feels and experiences with you on both a Physical and Emotional level.
For helpful advice about the topic of scam free dating – study this webpage. The time has come when proper information is truly only one click of your mouse, use this opportunity.
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