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1. Don’t Panic! All relationships go through phases and sometimes people say things they don’t mean. Just because your girlfriend or boyfriend might tell you that they don’t want to be with you doesn’t necessarily mean that’s what they want. In the heat of an argument, it’s easy to say and do things to try and hurt the other person also. Take a deep breath! There’s still room to work things out!

2. Give some space! There’s nothing worse than smothering or being smothered right after a bad falling out or argument. If you give the other person some space, it will give them a chance to miss you and long for you. Even if your ex is extremely pissed at you, distance DOES make the heart grow fonder. Chasing them will only annoy them and push them away. Take a few days for yourself, hang with friends, write in your journal, prepare yourself for a calm talk with your ex where he or she can take you seriously! Let the waters calm a little before you try and work things out.

3. Shut off your phone and unplug your computer! Having that phone, or MySpace or email account on and ready will only tempt you to spy on or contact your ex… turn these things off for a few days if you can and spend this time reflecting instead of obsessing.

4. Take responsiblity. No one is perfect, not even our lovers. We are all human beings and no one can be 100% perfect all of the time. Have you been to hard on your ex lately? Has he or she been to hard on you? If you’re the one that has been putting on all the blame, you can help ease things by taking responsibility. When you do talk to your ex, calmly let them know there are some things you would apologize for too so they don’t feel all of the blame. We all need to have realistic expectations of one another, and learn to choose our battles and let the little things go! Try to be extra honest with yourself and your lover and discuss it in a loving and understanding way.

5. Don’t act desperate. It’s NOT attractive! There are obvious signs of desperation: calling and texting excessively, persistent email, screaming and yelling “HOW could you hurt me?!?”, acting like the victim, begging them to love you or talk to you. Remember that you are special and important without that person. Project that image of loving self-confidence to them and it will make you much more desirable!

6. Lean on your family and friends. (Not your exes!) Going through a breakup or fight can be very difficult and we’ll need people to talk to to help us get through those times. If you and your ex had the same friends, or are friendly with each others’ families it might be tempting to involve these people on your side. Turn to your own family and friends. Remember your ex will need his or her own support system, and you don’t want to make things harder by involving people,especially family members, who might not be on your side 100% .

7. Date other people. Yes! Just do it! I know you might be thinking “But my ex is the only one I’ll ever love!” Maybe so. But spending time with other people (especially those that are interested in you) might give you the confidence boost that you need, if nothing else! (And hey, you just might have some fun!)

8. Keep a journal. It’s important you have your thoughts in order. If you do talk to your ex, you want to say the right things, things you mean to say. You will also probably need to vent your emotions. A journal or diary is a great way to deal with feelings and understand ourselves!

9. Stay busy. What did you do with yourself before you met your ex? Did you knit, paint, play basketball, blog, go to the beach with your girlfriends, go out to Sunday brunch with your college pals? There’s plenty of single people out there having a great time doing stuff they like to do (you used to be one of them!) Pick up your hobbies again, hang out, go somewhere new! It’s a big beautiful world out there… go enjoy it! Remember the goal here is to let your ex see that you are happy and enjoying life without them.. it just makes them want you more!

10. Write a clear letter to your ex in a neutral tone. If you have a lot, or even just a little, to get off your chest, just put it in a short letter. I emphasize short because the more words there are on a page, the more confused the reader will get. Write a short note saying whatever you have to say. Be sure to write in a neutral, factual, and clear-headed tone. You don’t want to come off as desperate or blaming.

Have you found this article helpful? Are you serious about getting your ex back? If so, visit my site, The Ex Back Expert, for free break up help videos, advice articles, and the SECRET that got my ex back!
Vera Linden is a writer and artist from New York City and has been writing on relationships and breakups since 2006.

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